Although your friends and family are an important part of your life, you may find that they’re ill-equipped to support you through your loss. I found that even though my friends and family were well meaning, they often said or did things that were inappropriate.
Whenever we hung out together, my friends would try to distract me from the pain I was feeling, invalidating my emotions and my right to feel lousy. I’d leave feeling superficially better but also feeling as if I’d moved 2 steps backwards. I soon realized that I’d have to get divorce support elsewhere.
Before you chuck up this well-meaning lot, remember that although they’re trying hard, they’re just not equipped or trained to help you. Society has conditioned them to deal with loss in a particular way. It’s not their fault. They love you very much and they hate to see you suffering. They’ll try to take the pain away and will do whatever they can in the moment to achieve this.
Here are some points to bear in mind about some of your friends and family (you’ll probably recognize some of these points):
It’s not popular in today’s society to express negative emotions in public. This represents being ‘out of control’ and can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. Friends and family may feel uncomfortable when we express strong emotions. Expect comments like:
These are attempts to take the pain away, moving you ‘out of’ your emotions and intellectualizing your experience. You’re left with a sense that it’s not safe to display your emotions. This is unhelpful and damaging to your overall healing. Remember that in our society we’re taught that emotions are unpredictable, feared and need to be controlled.
Common intellectualizations include:
These are awful platitudes designed to make you feel better. But they don’t! Intellectualizing the situation will not encourage your healing.
They have no idea what to say, so they change the subject or pretend to not hear.
When I was young I attended my best friend’s mum’s funeral. I felt so awkward. I was standing next to my friend, both of us in black and her face was a picture of despair and grief. We’d been playing dolls a week earlier and now I had no idea what to say. I stared at my shoes. I couldn’t wait to get out of the church and away from the coffin and her pain. I looked at her and cracked a joke, trying to lighten the atmosphere. She didn’t look up. She simply turned and walked away.
You’ve probably experienced this with one or 2 of your friends. When you talk about your divorce, they change the subject or, pretend not to hear you, or crack a joke. They do this because they love you, they want to make things better for you, but they have no idea what to do.
Understand their ineptitude!
After a while you’ll realize that some of your friends and family simply don’t want to talk about your divorce and will encourage you to do things to ‘get over it’ so that hanging out with you is fun again.
The bottom line is: You need to talk. You need to be heard. You do not need fixing. There is nothing wrong with you or the fact that you’re emotional or struggling.
I remember coming home after a night out with a girlfriend, feeling awful and deflated, like an insect that had been squashed and scraped across a pavement.
I had just recounted my divorce story (OK, it was the second time) but halfway through, she looked out the window, absorbed in her own world. I was shocked. Had I said something wrong? Was I boring her? Was she disinterested?
She then changed the subject.
While I sat listening to her rattling on about her cat, the conversation in my head went something like this:
I realized that I was alone in my divorce. I had ‘caught the disease’ called divorce and this made me persona non grata.
When I mentioned my ex husband’s indiscretions, I knew she was wondering about her own husband. I could see that all she wanted to do was go home to check that they were OK. (Months later she admitted this was the case.) I excused myself and gave her the opportunity to do that.
Friends are fantastic, but all have their own lives and issues. I was the only one that could help me.
I know my friend felt awkward. She wanted to help but didn’t know what to say. I remember the same feelings of inadequacy at my friend’s mother’s funeral.
Here are some common phrases that my clients have told themselves in the past or have heard others say:
Give the people in your life a Weirdness Pass. This is a ticket allowing them to say weird or inappropriate things while you’re dealing with your divorce.
They don’t know any better and no one trained them how to deal with the situation.
NOTE: Remember not to take on board anything that they say. Remain aware of what they are saying, and of the myths and possible generalizations in their comments, to guard against becoming enrolled in their intellectualizations.
To find out where your are within the Divorce Healing process, Take the How Messed up Am I test and get a complimentary report which tells you what to do about it: Find out how messed up you are
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5 thoughts on “Why your friends and family are sometimes the worst support during your divorce”
Great article, Adele.
During the divorce, many people find helpful the assistance of a trained divorce coach.
A divorce coach can be an accessible thinking partner when family and friends are not the professionals a person needs. In fact many referrals for divorce coaching that I receive are from family, friends, and co-workers of the divorcing person. Family and friends want their loved one to seek a professional trained to have this conversation.
Love your info.
I totally agree! My friends are always telling me things like: it will be better, time will heal you, this is the right decision… AND all I want to do is to step back and not listen any more!
I am aware that they are saying these things out of love and are concern about me, but at this point, I don’t want to be a part of it. Pls, you shoul all just shut up! 🙁
ohhh nice info
I’ve never been married but I just broke up with my boyfriend with whom I stayed 4 years. It might be not much, but as he was one of the 1st person I met when I moved to the UK and he has supported to everything since I got here, his absence is just unbearable. I experienced a lot of things these last 4 years (leaving my hometown, family and friends, learn English, start uni and study in a second language, my graduation, etc) … I never realised the impact he had on my life. But my friends and family can’t understand that and are quite surprised how depressed I can be… It just got to a point it’s awkward for everyone so I don’t call them anymore.
This is really I great article and it feels great to see that I’m not alone … Again, Iknow I’m experiencing a divorce, it might be not my place to leave a comment…
I’m enjoying reading these blog posts and for some of them I can somehow relate. Thanks Adèle.
I wish I had seen this earlier! I spent a year under the weight of “this happens to millions of people every day; just get over it.” This was so nice to read