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Divorced – and shit at it

“Divorced – and shit at it”

I launched my Naked Divorce business on the back of my first book ‘Naked Divorce for women’ written over five years ago

Since then the business has grown and grown, and I’m delighted, and blessed to have been able to touch so many people’s lives as they wrestle with the chaos, despair and trauma of divorce. The transformations that take place in our programmes are truly stunning.

Sometimes I feel like I have been put on this planet to help people through their life traumas. I really do have the best job in the world – For example just earlier today one of my Relationship Counselling couples told me that not only was their relationship saved (they were on the brink of divorce just a few months ago), but they have just discovered to their delight that they are pregnant!

There were lot’s of tears of joy. And when I was told that would never have happened had it not been for me helping them – well let’s just say I was in lot’s of tears too.

Like I say, I really do have the best job. Honestly though, it’s not me, it’s the process. It just works. Sometimes my clients need me, or our Angels to assist them through the process – but ultimately it’s the process – what can I tell you, it’s the bomb-digidy!

OriginalBookLaunch
Adele’s original book launch at the largest Waterstone’s in London

 

Book Announcement

So I’m delighted to announce today for the first time, the launch of my new book for women (men you’re gonna have to wait a little longer – but it is coming). This revisedenhancedupdated book builds on the first book I wrote which was an Amazon Best Seller. Over the years the process has been tweaked, and refined to deliver ever more powerful results – so it was great to get that fine-tuning into this new book, and give it a make-over at the same time. The new book is called ‘DIVORCED – and shit at it‘. Because we are. We’re taught to ‘get on with things‘, to ‘feel happy‘, to ‘get on with our lives‘, to just ‘get over him‘, that ‘time will heal‘ – well it’s all BS. Quite frankly most of the advice out there is not only unhelpful – it actually makes things worse. So no wonder we are ‘Shit’ at getting over divorce – we’re being fed bad info. Friends and family may mean well – but they really don’t have a clue how to help. Ok – rant over.

Launch Offer

We have cunningly decided to launch the book officially on March 8 – International Womens Day! With the help of my team we’ve put a whole bunch of Bonuses together to help celebrate both International Womens Day – and the launch of ‘DIVORCED’. I should point-out this launch is for the digital version only – the printed version will be a little later. For more info on the book, the Special Bonuses that will be made availalbe only on MARCH 8 – click here >>> http://nakedrecoveryonline.com/product-book-divorced-women-2017-comingsoon/

Extract

You can download an Extract of the book for Free now >>>     Many thanks Adele

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Change- ‘change’

Change- ‘change’

You have to accept what you can’t change… and change what you can’t accept

How much time did you waste in your last relationship, just hoping that your partner would change?

And how much time did you waste complaining about the situation – but doing nothing about it?

Perhaps you stayed with your ex for far longer than you should have done, just willing things to get better. Perhaps you’re angry with yourself, now, for the lost years you spent waiting around for the situation to improve.

Perhaps, deep down, you’re still waiting – and it’s stopping you from moving on.

Humans are irrational optimists. We tell ourselves all sorts of fairytales about the future. We desperately want to believe that things will fix themselves.

 

Take control

We’re really, really bad at realising that the only person we can rely on to make our lives better is ourselves.

And, ultimately, there are only two things we can do we can make a tough situation better.

We can learn to accept those things that we just can’t change – and stop trying to change them.

And we can change the things that are within our control.

Accepting what you can’t change doesn’t mean throwing in the towel and deciding that you’re doomed to a life of misery. It means being realistic about what you can live with, and what you can’t.

 

Case study

Take Jessica and Steve.

Jessica knows that Steve is the last person in the world to do something spontaneous. Left to his own devices, he’d happily while away every Sunday in the garden with a beer.

Jessica can’t understand it – when she makes plans on their behalf, he might grumble a bit, but they always have a great time. Yet despite her hints (and the fights), he never, ever, makes the effort to suggest something himself.

Frustrated and hurt, Jessica has decided to force him to change by not making plans and waiting around until he cracks and takes matters into his own hands. In the meantime, she bitterly complains to her friends, non-stop. All she wants him to do is to start taking the initiative. Why can’t he just try?

But of course, Steve is not going to change. He’s a passive guy. He probably won’t even notice what she’s doing and, if he does, he won’t respond in the way she hopes. It’s against his nature. She’ll wind up more and more bitter, and both of them will be miserable.

 

So what can Jessica do?

First, she has to admit to herself that Steve won’t change. She has to accept that this is who he is. If she wants to spend her weekends doing fun things together, she’ll have to organise them. Or she can leave him to his own device and spend her weekends with fun, spontaneous friends.If she can live with that, great: if she’s genuinely willing to end her struggle against the situation and stop complaining about it, she can start to feel content with how things are.

But what if this isn’t good enough for Jessica?

Unlike Steve’s personality, Jessica’s situation is within her control. She can end the relationship and try to find someone more spontaneous. She can end the relationship so she can be more spontaneous without a partner.

I know what you’re thinking: as if it just that easy.

Of course it’s not easy. It’s the hardest thing in the world. That’s why we ignore the problem and cling to the hope that our partner will magically become the person we want them to be, even though they are the one factor that we absolutely can’t change.

A partner who loves routine will never become adventurous. A partner who is a risk-taker will never become cautious. A partner who is cruel will never be kind.

And if we don’t come to terms with that, it haunts us even after we break up. It keeps us in the agonising purgatory of wondering: what if?

It keeps us going back to people who are wrong for us. It stops us moving on. It stops us healing.

And it means that, next time we find ourselves in the same situation, we repeat our mistakes over and over again.

I can’t tell you whether you should accept a relationship with unchangeable flaws, or change a situation that’s become unacceptable to you. But I can tell you: for your own sake, you have to choose.

 

Click Here for More Great Info

 

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Have You Breached Your Personal Integrity?

Giving your word to something is SACRED.

Your word is who you are. When you make promises you cannot keep, you are plagued by guilt. We all are.

If things aren’t working out in your life and everything seems to be going wrong then it’s not weird karma or voodoo – it’s because you’ve breached your personal integrity.

What this means is you have broken agreements with yourself or others and have lots of incompletion in your life. By sorting out all those broken agreements, cleaning them up and getting incomplete things complete, you will restore your power again.

Why integrity is the source of all your power

Integrity is not good or bad OR right or wrong. However, when you have integrity – you have POWER. When you say something will happen, and it does, your word has power.

Promises and declarations have no power on a foundation of little or no integrity. The height of madness is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result – making declarations and not having them happen has you lose faith in your ability to produce results.

Take a step back and ask yourself..

Where are you out of integrity? What is OFF? Are you up to date on your taxes, homework, work? Are you in communication? Where are you out of communication? Where are you hiding something? Where are you showing up late, where do you tell yourself ‘it doesn’t matter’?

Start to be aware of when you make agreements and commitments with yourself and others. And STOP making promises you cannot certainly keep WITHOUT saying extra conditional words like:

‘I believe, I am told that, based on the following assumptions, to the best of my knowledge, as I understand it, provided I can achieve xyz, provided xxx happens, I can guarantee yyy, etc.’ This will allow you to stay in control, stay true to your word, and keep your power.

Already breached your integrity?

Don’t beat yourself up – you can reclaim your power. Here’s how to clean up your mess…

With yourself

The mastery of life includes integrity. Integrity is the process of cleaning up the mess you made. We made a whole bunch of agreements and didn’t keep them. I said I wanted to be a chemist and never kept that agreement.

I only made that agreement with myself, but I am very important in my life. So I have to get my agreement that it is alright to let that original agreement go. Once I do that, the agreement ceases to exist. I start to look at the things that I agreed that I wanted to be, do and have, and find out that it’s alright not to be, do and have those now, and the agreements go.

With others

I’ve also made some agreements with other people and I will have to handle those agreements. I’ll have to say to whoever I made the agreement, “Look, I made an agreement with you and what I’d like to do now is not to keep that agreement. I’d like to know what you need in order to be willing to accept that.”

In your lives there will be people that you have an inherent agreement to communicate with that you haven’t communicated with. You’ve withheld your communication. You can go back and clean up that mess by taking responsibility and communicating with those people.

It may be hard, but it can be simple

If you’ve left some problems unsolved in your life – and a problem unsolved in your life is one that keeps coming up – you can handle it by expanding your purposes to include solving it. All of a sudden, what was a problem ceases to be a problem. It becomes a part of the solution.

For the most part, simply acknowledging to the person that you made an agreement with that you didn’t keep your agreement with them, or that you did something to them, would be enough to clean it up. Essentially, what you do it for is to expand your purposes – which are to make your life work – to include making their life work.

Your action plan to reclaim your power

Think right now – what agreements have you broken? Choose one and expand your purpose to include solving that problem.

Get in communication with yourself or the other person involved, using the language in this post. For example, “We agreed xxx, yyy is what happened. I understand that what happened is not what we agreed. To restore my integrity with you I propose the following…”

Of course, be honest here too and don’t commit to anything you can’t do. Set out a realistic solution, and prepare to feel absolutely incredible afterwards! There are few things more liberating.

Share your story once you’ve taken action. I’d love to hear it!

Adele
Adele
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Stop Saying ‘I’m Fine’ When You’re NOT

Are you always saying “I’m fine” and resisting support?

It’s so interesting that the people who struggle the most and need the most help in life usually don’t see it. They’re the people who push help and support away.

They think needing support is weakness. That even admitting you need help is weakness. Do you know someone like this? Perhaps you know someone like this rather… intimately?

If you do, here’s news for you:

Winners Get Help!

And they always do. Quickly, when they need it. Without complaining. And without caring one little bit about how they’re perceived for asking for support.

Those self-aware people enjoying success in life notice when they need help sorting something out. When things don’t work out they say, ‘Woah, I need to get my head straight and because I am in my own head, I probably need some help with that.’

They then get up and go get help and just like that, they’re back in their mojo, loving life once more. They even build a whole Dream Team of support people in their corner.

And they do it because they know they’re responsible for everything in their lives. And they avoid the common mistake in thinking I see so often among (usually very intelligent) ‘I’m fine’ people…

Stop Looking Outside Yourself for a Magic Bullet Solution

I see this pattern so often. People who think their issues in life are outside of themselves.

They think if they can just change their circumstances, their financial situation, their weight or their job, or the people around them then BOOM everything will suddenly fall into place and their life will work out.

The truth is circumstances and the people around us have nothing to do with our lives being good or bad. Our mindset, attitude and inner world absolutely shapes our outcomes in the world around us.

It’s All On You – You Are the Cause

If life ain’t working out for you, or you keep attracting drama/chaos/issues, or are just perpetually unhappy, then you have something to do with that. You, and only you.

We cannot control what happens to us in life but we can control how we react. It’s all about our mindset and our inner landscape, which shapes our outcomes.

The bottom line – we are responsible for the results we achieve in life. We have everything to do with how our lives turn out. And those who know this fact are self-aware and are usually the ones happy and enjoying success.

If You’re on an Island, You’re Probably Drowning

The ones that say they never need help but continue complaining, staying on their islands being ‘fine’ are usually the ones sinking and drowning in a pit of despair.

There’s a misunderstanding that seeking support somehow makes you weak. Successful people have no concern about how they’re perceived – they simply focus everything on being empowered and driving forward.

They look at themselves, get into action, do whatever it takes. And successful people have their Dream Team to support them through everything.

Your Challenge – One Whole Day, NO COMPLAINING

Here’s my challenge to you. Firstly, take on the ‘No Complaints Day’ challenge. For one whole day you are not allowed to complain in any way, shape or form. Sounds easy? Try it. It might be the most revealing day of your life.

Secondly, start building your Dream Team of support around you. Stop saying ‘I’m fine’ when you’re not, and start saying ‘Can you help me please?’

And tell me what you discover. I’d love to hear it!

Adele
Adele
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How to support someone going through a divorce or break up

How to support someone going through a divorce or break-up

Watching some go through trauma can be traumatic in itself. So how do we support someone going through the trauma of divorce or a break-up?

 

In this article am not going to handle divorce from the point of view of the person going through the divorce but from the point of view of a supportive friend, colleague or family member.

It may be a parent, a child, a sibling, or friend that is going through a breakup. You may be watching them spiral out of control as they wrestle to deal with the dramatic change in their lives.

Many feelings will arise including moodiness, upsetness, depression, anxiety, panic and insomnia. It is very hard to know how best to support someone through the roller coaster of emotions and if they are closet you, you may feel like you are on the roller coaster with them.

 

You want to help

It’s tempting to want to make them happy, distract them or tell them to stop being gloomy and feel different/ look on the bright side of life. A common human trait is to try to intellectualise the emotion:

  • “think of the opportunities”
  • “you never liked them anyway”
  • “there are plenty of fish in the sea”
  • “God will never give you something you cannot handle”
  • “don’t be sad, this is a chance to really examine everything from a fresh perspective”

Although all these statements are probably true – it’s ALL about timing. Delivering these messages in the first few weeks is not going to go down well.

“It’s ALL about timing”

In the first few weeks, it’s critical for the ‘soon-to-be-divorced person’ to just feel their emotions. Emotions, when fully experienced, naturally evolve along the path of healing but its often the people supporting the person being made redundant that interrupt this healing pattern.

 

 

Emotional Journey - Adele Theron - Divorced and shit at it

 

The initial state before the cycle begins is often quite stable, at least in terms of the subsequent reaction to hearing the bad news (compared with the ups and downs to come, even if there is some variation, this is indeed a fairly stable state).
And then, in the calm of this relative paradise, a bombshell bursts…

 

 

The Naked Divorce grieving cycle

  1. Denial stage: trying to avoid the inevitable.
  2. Anger and betrayal stage: frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
  3. Panic and negotiation stage: seeking a way out. Making deals with your ex.
  4. Humiliation, fear of failure or looking bad stage: gradually sinking into a spiral, feeling embarrassed and avoiding seeing people.
  5. Despair stage: realization that something awful is coming your way and you’re strapped into the rollercoaster and helpless.
  6. Loss, grief and depression stage: a final realization of the inevitable, surrendering to the grief.
  7. Space and nothingness stage: once you have grieved and grieved, experiencing loss and pain, you’re left with a feeling of nothingness. It’s different to numbness because you feel very present and can notice things around you. Your senses are heightened. You may also find that you cannot cry anymore. You experience an emotional vacuum.
  8. Acceptance stage: seeking realistic solutions and finally finding the way forward, it’s not a feeling of resignation. It’s a feeling of profound understanding of the way things are and the way things are not.
  9. Responsibility and forgiveness stage: taking responsibility for where you may have caused cracks in the relationship and contributed to its subsequent breakdown and divorce. Forgiving your ex and yourself for any failings during the relationship is a critical part of true and real healing.
  10. Gratitude stage: transformational experience. Learning from your divorce and seeing positives and negatives from the experience. This stage completes the healing.
Emotional Responce - Divorce and shit at it - Adele Theron - Naked Divorce

 

Many find it helpful to take this
free online divorce test: Test 4 Men Test 4 Women

 

What you don’t realise, in offering intellectual platitudes is that you are only doing this so YOU can feel happy again.

It’s your own discomfort with their emotional state being so linked to your own emotional state that upsets you. If you resist their emotional state, it will persist because it has no avenue to be expressed.

So to survive and be happy in the first few weeks of supporting your partner, it helps to stop linking your own happiness to the happiness of this person – move to your own orbit and allow them to simply ‘BE’ where they are.

Break your dependence on them and instead of fretting, go play tennis, go for a walk on your own or go shopping and allow them to be.

Here are a few tips of what to do and what not to do in supporting someone through this change.

 

Divorce support mistakes

  • Don’t give pep talks. Its not your job to pump them up and ensure they are happy again. Understand their need to express their emotions and use the BUCKET exercise below to give them an avenue to express these emotions Don’t intellectualise their emotions or offer any ‘sage’ advice – telling them to look on the bright side of life or telling them that ‘everything happens for a reason’ just invalidates the pit of despair they are looking into. Allow THEM to come to this conclusion on their own – this way, they will own the conclusion on a deeper level Don’t orbit around them or link your own happiness to their happiness – they are entitled to their process and way of dealing with things.
  • Don’t tell them to snap out of it
  • Don’t tell them they are being ridiculous, self indulgent or dramatic – use the BUCKET exercise to hear them – sometimes people just need to vent their emotions – its not necessarily about you.

They will want to indulge in what I call STEATs (short term emotion avoidance tactics) so they can feel better and run from their emotions. They will want to avoid dealing with their emotions by focusing on decorating, shopping, partying, drinking or being super ‘busy’ with something or other.

Rather than rejoice in these activities with them, encourage them to stop and feel their emotions. Validate their right to their emotions. If they engage in STEATs for too Long, they may end up depressed due to repressing their emotions

 

S.T.E.A.T.’s explained

One thing to guard against is that your partner does not avoiding dealing with their emotions by burying themselves in things which either numb the pain or distract them. Don’t get me wrong, in the early days of divorce, the S.T.E.A.T.s are probably the things which help your partner feel better in each moment. BUT the thing to be aware of is that it’s not feeling better for real – it’s a false sense of security – a false feeling of recovering. It fits into the false healing category.

Short Term Emotion Avoidance Tactics include but are not limited to:

  • Excessive eating
  • Alcohol and drugs
  • Excessive anger towards others
  • Excessive socialising
  • Over-exercising
  • Fantasy or escapism activities (books, TV, movies)
  • Isolation
  • Random sexual encounters
  • Shopping/retail therapy
  • Spending countless hours with your children under the guise of being a good parent but the actual agenda is using your children to help you feel better

The problem with Short Term Emotion Avoidance Tactics is that they are short term. They do not last, and they do not deal with the true emotional issue. S.T.E.A.T.s are distractions that either damage or delay the recovery process.

How to support someone going through a break-up trauma

  • Have compassion. Allow them their feelings and validate their need to process things in their own way
  • Do reassure them that you love them as they are, that they are amazing, that you are here for them whatever happens
  • Do show them the divorce emotional cycle and reassure them that they have a right to their emotions and there will be an end to the journey and that you have full faith in them
  • Listen to them
  • Give them lots of hugs. If they look sad – just give them a big bear hug
  • Whilst they resolve their divorce, discuss everything with them positively, reassuring them
  • Buy them a book to help – the Get Over Divorce book is a great gift, it’s not too heavy and will steer them in the right direction.
  • We’ve had many parents, friends, and even ex-partners purchase the Naked Divorce – 21 Day Program.
  • Encourage them to bucket and do this daily for 21 days (see below)

Once 45 days have passed, if they are still moping around – get them to see someone to process their feelings so that they can move on

Bucket your frustration

  • Go fetch a bucket (a real one) and sit together with no TV or chaos in the background with the bucket between you both You start by encouraging your loved one to express their frustrations, feelings and emotions into the bucket – you not allowed to respond except to acknowledge that you hear what they are saying and ask if there is anything else to go into the bucket – encourage your partner to ‘put all their frustrations into the bucket’ and vent everything that is pissing them off about life and how life should be.
  • Your job is – JUST LISTEN
  • Keep asking if there is anything else and keep going until the bucket is full and they can think of nothing else
  • When done, you both pick up the bucket and throw out these frustrations out of the window or door
  • Now it’s your turn It’s good to say how you feel but I recommend not sharing your worries about their divorce – focus on other things that annoy you or frustrate you — this way, your loved one will feel they are not alone in being frustrated but they will feel that you are not pressuring them to snap out of their emotions
  • When done, you both pick up the bucket and throw out these frustrations out of the window or door

Gratitude

Now you both take turns to say what you are grateful for about your life. Your lives are actually very rich and amazing BUT because you dont focus on that, you dont see this. I want you to come up with at least 5 things you are grateful for

Create tomorrow

Now you both take turns to say what you will accomplish tomorrow. This is important because at the moment, life is happening and things are not being created. Creation has a beauty to it

Break-up support help:

So, I hope that helps. If you have found this article of some value you might also be interested to know that I’ve built an online divorce recovery quiz for caring and kind people like you that want to help their friend out.

 

 

You can send this to them by clicking on Help A Friend now (or you can check out the test yourself here). Even if they choose not to take the quiz, they’ll appreciate that a friend is thinking of them, not trying to dismiss their situation, and is providing some thoughtful and caring support.

 

Till next time!

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