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Adele | The Naked Divorce

International Women’s Day

Empower yourself on International Women’s Day!

Here’s how to empower yourself for real

Fun fact: These days, slavishly working out and starving yourself until you’ve forced your body to look vaguely like a heavily photoshopped version of Khloe Kardashian is actually “empowering”! Who’d have thought it?!

Ditto the Pussycat Dolls song “Don’t Cha”.  It might look and sound like the meanest girls from school have grown up and are now viciously putting down other women in front of their boyfriends for ten seconds of attention, but actually, it was meant to EMPOWER US LADIES, all along!

Yep, the word term “empowerment” has really been dragged through the dirt these past few years.

Cynical marketers have seized on the idea to do exactly the opposite of what female empowerment actually means, i.e. giving women the power, authority and confidence to take control of who they are and how they run their lives.

What is empowerment?

Here’s what empowerment is not: It’s not feeling compelled or pressured to act or look a certain way. It’s not working overtime to chase an unattainable ideal, or putting other people down to make yourself feel stronger, or surrounding yourself with things to make other people jealous.

In fact, these things weaken you by putting all the power in other people’s hands. What if they aren’t impressed or jealous? What if that guy doesn’t fancy you despite your best efforts? What if the person you’re putting down laughs in your face?

What happens when you don’t have these props around you to make yourself look good?

So today, in honour of International Women’s Day, we’re going to talk about REAL empowerment: the power to manage your emotions, control your behaviour and improve your mental wellbeing.

Let’s get started…

Don’t beat yourself up

Ok, the first thing to bear in mind is that you can’t actually control your emotions. Your emotions are involuntary. They’re automatic. You can’t stop yourself from experiencing a wave of fear, or anger, or hurt, or anything else.

In fact, if you try, you’ll quickly get frustrated, exhausted or feel like a failure. It’s unrealistic and unhelpful to judge yourself based on pangs you can’t control.

What you can control are:

  1. The conditions that produce these emotions, and
  2. How you decide to respond to them.

But we’ll get to that in a second. Before we do, here’s something else to bear in mind…

 

IWD-logo-landscapeeps

 

Blame is disempowering

Yes, just as it’s pointless to blame yourself for emotions you can’t control, it’s also pointless to blame someone else for your response.

That’s because they aren’t in control of your emotions, either.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t hold another person responsible for the actions they choose. Of course you should. If your partner lets you down, or your mother says something cruel, or your colleague is being unreasonable, you’re totally within your rights to call them on it.

But when you do, you need to focus on the bit that they control: their behaviour, and why you object to it. Not your emotional response. Not how you behaved because of those emotions. They can’t control those things – only you can.

For example, imagine you’re at a party with your husband and you feel that he’s getting a little bit too flirty with an attractive stranger.

You might feel jealous. You might feel upset. You might even have a flash of blind rage.

Yes, he might have been out of line. But it’s not your emotional reaction that makes him so – it’s his actions.

After all, it’s perfectly possible to feel jealous, upset or furious with someone even when, rationally, you know they haven’t done anything wrong. Screaming at someone because they’ve “made you” feel jealous doesn’t help. If you have a tantrum, storm out or slap them, that’s a choice you made. They don’t control your behaviour – you do.

So, if you wait until an opportune moment and calmly say something to your husband like: “I don’t think it’s fair or respectful to ignore me and flirt with someone so overtly,” this focusses on the action that he took. He can then defend himself, apologise, or talk it through with you to figure out exactly what made you uncomfortable.

That’s what I mean by holding someone to account for what they do, rather than blaming them for how you feel.

Even if you decide on reflection that he didn’t really do anything wrong and that maybe your jealousy was unwarranted, you’ve both had a chance to handle things maturely without losing your cool. And if your husband doesn’t react well, you know that’s his bad – not yours. Because you’re not responsible for his emotions or actions, either.

All of which means you’re much more likely to wake up in the morning feeling in control of yourself and your life, rather than ashamed or angry that you let your emotions get the better of you!

Controlling the conditions

Okay, let’s get back to the things you can exercise control over. Firstly, the conditions around you.

We all have conditions unique to us that are practically guaranteed to trigger a negative reaction, every time. Often, these are avoidable – or, at least, manageable.

The psychologist Dr Susan Krauss Whitbourne describes this as “Selecting Your Situation”. As she puts it:

Avoid circumstances that trigger unwanted emotions. If you know that you’re most likely to get angry when you’re in a hurry (and you become angry when others force you to wait), then don’t leave things for the last minute. Get out of the house or office 10 minutes before you need to, and you won’t be bothered so much by pedestrians, cars, or slow elevators.”

Do you get hangry when you skip breakfast? Don’t skip breakfast! Struggle to cope with your emotions when you’ve had a few too many? Then don’t get drunk when you know you’re going to be in a stressful or emotionally charged situation, like having to socialise with your ex or spend Christmas with your jellyfish sister-in-law.

But wait! This doesn’t mean you should shy away from tricky, scary or challenging situations altogether. Selecting your situation isn’t an excuse for chickening out of things that will genuinely enrich you, like nailing a big presentation, braving that first date after your breakup, or applying for the promotion you know you deserve. Nor should you use it as a cop-out whenever the going gets tough.

The point is that you need to give your chance the best chance of success.

By all means, go to your best friend’s wedding even though the man who broke your heart will be there – just don’t turn up exhausted/hungover/late and stressed, stick around the friends there who make you feel safe and happy, resist the urge to seek him out, plan in advance how to handle it if you do have to speak to him… oh, and don’t drink three bottles of champagne to “calm your nerves”!

In other words, identify the conditions that you CAN control, and control them in a way that will limit your emotional distress.

Managing Your Responses

Here’s a great exercise that comes from Buddhist ideas about mindfulness:

Next time you feel yourself getting emotional, stop, and ask yourself, “Who am I being right now?”

And then: “Is this behaviour empowering me, or weakening me?”

And finally: “Is this who I want to be? How do I be THAT person?”

This doesn’t mean ignoring or suppressing your emotions, but it does mean interrogating them, understanding them, and managing them.

Let me explain.

Let’s say you’re irritable because your partner is on a night out with friends and you’re at home alone.

Maybe you keep checking your phone to see if they’ve texted you yet, and they haven’t. You’re starting to get upset and annoyed. Maybe you’re starting to feel jealous, imagining that they’re talking to another woman. You can feel yourself getting worked up and annoyed, and you mentally begin to invent other reasons why you’re annoyed with them. You think about sending them a guilt-trippy message about how bored you are at home. Perhaps you even go as far as hearing a noise outside and jump on the chance to text them saying you think someone’s outside and you’re feeling scared.

Be honest: does this sound a tiny bit familiar?

Okay, so then you stop for a moment, pay attention to those feelings, and say to yourself: who am I being right now?

Because if you’re upfront with yourself, you might say, I’m being that kid that feels left out and doesn’t want the other kids to be allowed to have fun without me, so I’m ruining it for them.

Or maybe: I’m being the kid that plays up for attention when my mum tries to leave me at the school gates.

This isn’t something to be ashamed of. As I’ve said, you can’t help those emotional pangs. You can’t stop the little kid in you from stamping her foot. But you can choose not to pander to her

Once you’ve calmly recognised that this is what your emotions are pushing you towards, you can then say to yourself: is this behaviour empowering or weakening me?

I think the answer here is obvious. Sulking and begging for attention, or pressuring your partner into curtailing their plans for no other reason than you’re bored and don’t like being alone is hardly going to make you feel strong, empowered and in control of your own life.

Instead of moping, why not take the opportunity to catch up with your own friends and family? Maybe give them a call, or invite them round for dinner, or pop out for a drink?

Or, do something you’ve been meaning to do for ages but kind of need the house to yourself. Practise the guitar, maybe? Watch that film you’re desperate to see, but your partner would hate? Finally get started on that online course you signed up for ages ago, but haven’t had the time to work on?

[Side note: if the reason you’re upset is that your partner constantly goes out and leaves you with the kids, that’s different. But even then, choosing to play a self-pitying victim will weaken you, too. Much more empowering to take a moment to think about how (tomorrow, when he’s sober!), you’re going to sit your husband down and calmly explain why you think his behaviour is unfair and what compromises you think the pair of you should make to better share responsibility / ensure you both have a life, etc.]

Recognise, too, that this is a process. Your emotions are impetuous, sometimes violent forces that take ongoing effort to grapple with. You won’t always get it right, but as Travis Bradbury explains in this Forbes article, when that happens you have to forgive yourself and move on:

A vicious cycle of failing to control oneself followed by feeling intense self-hatred and disgust is common in attempts at self-control. These emotions typically lead to over-indulging in the offending behaviour. When you slip up, it is critical that you forgive yourself and move on. Don’t ignore how the mistake makes you feel; just don’t wallow in it. Instead, shift your attention to what you’re going to do to improve yourself in the future.

Regardless of the situation, recognising and acknowledging why you feel the way you do, deciding who you would rather be, and then actively striving to behave in a way that reflects that, is the single most effective way to empower yourself.

If you embrace one idea about female empowerment this International Women’s Day, make it that.

 

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Divorced – and shit at it

“Divorced – and shit at it”

I launched my Naked Divorce business on the back of my first book ‘Naked Divorce for women’ written over five years ago

Since then the business has grown and grown, and I’m delighted, and blessed to have been able to touch so many people’s lives as they wrestle with the chaos, despair and trauma of divorce. The transformations that take place in our programmes are truly stunning.

Sometimes I feel like I have been put on this planet to help people through their life traumas. I really do have the best job in the world – For example just earlier today one of my Relationship Counselling couples told me that not only was their relationship saved (they were on the brink of divorce just a few months ago), but they have just discovered to their delight that they are pregnant!

There were lot’s of tears of joy. And when I was told that would never have happened had it not been for me helping them – well let’s just say I was in lot’s of tears too.

Like I say, I really do have the best job. Honestly though, it’s not me, it’s the process. It just works. Sometimes my clients need me, or our Angels to assist them through the process – but ultimately it’s the process – what can I tell you, it’s the bomb-digidy!

OriginalBookLaunch
Adele’s original book launch at the largest Waterstone’s in London

 

Book Announcement

So I’m delighted to announce today for the first time, the launch of my new book for women (men you’re gonna have to wait a little longer – but it is coming). This revisedenhancedupdated book builds on the first book I wrote which was an Amazon Best Seller. Over the years the process has been tweaked, and refined to deliver ever more powerful results – so it was great to get that fine-tuning into this new book, and give it a make-over at the same time. The new book is called ‘DIVORCED – and shit at it‘. Because we are. We’re taught to ‘get on with things‘, to ‘feel happy‘, to ‘get on with our lives‘, to just ‘get over him‘, that ‘time will heal‘ – well it’s all BS. Quite frankly most of the advice out there is not only unhelpful – it actually makes things worse. So no wonder we are ‘Shit’ at getting over divorce – we’re being fed bad info. Friends and family may mean well – but they really don’t have a clue how to help. Ok – rant over.

Launch Offer

We have cunningly decided to launch the book officially on March 8 – International Womens Day! With the help of my team we’ve put a whole bunch of Bonuses together to help celebrate both International Womens Day – and the launch of ‘DIVORCED’. I should point-out this launch is for the digital version only – the printed version will be a little later. For more info on the book, the Special Bonuses that will be made availalbe only on MARCH 8 – click here >>> http://nakedrecoveryonline.com/product-book-divorced-women-2017-comingsoon/

Extract

You can download an Extract of the book for Free now >>>     Many thanks Adele

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NakedDivorce Adele Theron blog broken

Valentines Day Downer?

Is Valentine’s getting you down?

Well stop it. It’s just a game, and here’s how to remember how to enjoy it.

Around this time of year being lonely drives some people into total anxiety about finding the one. The thing is, finding a life partner isn’t about being all anxious and desperate. It’s about being chilled, and playing the game flat out with no attachment to the outcome.

But people who hate being lonely and hating the process don’t approach the dating game as a game. Especially around silly days of organized public affection like the 14th – when everyone else seems to be madly in love.

Lonely and anxious

Feeling lonely and anxious starts a downward spiral unless you stop it. For those who hate feeling lonely, each rejection becomes a failure that they are single and they become driven anxiously to eliminate the issue.

The important thing to realize about anxiety is that we feel anxious when we make connections between unrelated events – that’s the real driver to this spreading feeling.

We had a bad date, someone didn’t call back, our boss shouted at work, our daughter is failing school, traffic was bad, the next date cancelled, you reached out to someone on Facebook and they didn’t answer you back and the TV blew up.

Interrelated

They all start to seem interrelated. People suffering from anxiety link these random events together and feel the weight of all of these issues all at once. It’s like when you throw a stone in a pool of water and the ripples go out across the whole pool – anxious people allow the stones of life to disrupt their entire pool of equilibrium.

Stop making shite up

Wake up, and stop linking things up. The root of solving anxiety is being aware that you are needlessly, illogically linking all of these events together, and seeing them as part of a massive, interconnected task that seem impossible to overcome.

The key is not to merge and bring things together and see everything as one big problem.

Things are not connected.

The stone has nothing to do with the pool of equilibrium. Your daughter failing school or your date cancelling is not personal.

It just happened.

So here’s your challenge – a powerful route to breaking this pattern and getting peace of mind once more;

The 6 steps to release your anxiety:

  1. Write down everything that makes you anxious in circles on a piece of paper.
  2. Draw links between the circles to illustrate how you have linked these events together in your mind.
  3. Now imagine an alien from another planet is sitting next to you. Explain to the alien how these events are interlinked and how all these connected events make your life a disaster.
  4. Now answer these questions:
    1. Does the alien understand what on earth you are talking about?
    2. Does the alien agree that these events are linked?
    3. What is the alien saying to you?
  5. NOW in the drawing break the links between these events by drawing the break.
  6. Now explain to the alien that these events are not linked:
    1. Does the alien understand what on earth you are talking about?
    2. Does the alien agree that these events are not linked?
    3. What is the alien saying to you?
  7. Write down what you observed in this exercise.

 

Go ahead, do it now!

It’s a very effective exercise, and it might even just make you smile this Valentine’s Day…

And the last step, tell us what you think!

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Stop complaining when life isn’t fair

12. Stop complaining when life isn’t fair

Life isn’t fair so people will talk about you behind your back and be horrible even if you don’t deserve it and have always been nice and supportive to them.

This is because most people will only do whatever they do to forward things for themselves so don’t expect that your good deeds and actions for others will always come back to you. Simply do your good deeds and actions for your own reasons and not to get anything back – this way you won’t be disappointed or constantly feel hard done by.

Think you can take on the challenge and become far more powerful this year? I know you can.

Let this be a wonderful, empowering 2017!

Share your thoughts below!

 

 

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Stop gossiping

10. Stop gossiping

Never talk badly about other people.

Bored people talk about other people. Powerful people talk about the big games, projects and exciting things they are doing in their lives.

 

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Speak with power

8. Speak with power

Focus on making eye contact with people when you talk to them, lift your chin and speak in a clear audible voice.

Softly spoken people are very dominating to those around them as everyone needs to lean in to hear them. It’s subtle manipulative control vs. clear powerful behaviour.

 

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Stop just doing what you ‘feel’ like

6. Stop just doing what you ‘feel’ like

Powerful people don’t run their lives based on what they ‘feel’ like doing at any given moment.

Powerful people value their commitments and their agreements with themselves and others and when they don’t ‘feel’ like doing something they ignore those feelings and do what they agreed to do anyway.

 

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