Step 4: Why 21 Days?

Now, we know that therapy, counselling and other time-dependent processes are amazing and work wonders for many people. We also know that millions choose those processes above any other.  

Here at naked divorce, we do however think that certain people possibly do not have the patience for it and as a team, we count ourselves within this category. We all had one thing in common: to get on with healing. We wanted to take active steps and get to a place of empowerment again. We wanted to know what step was coming next. We were seeking an alternative and found Adele’s professional experience illustrating how people healed much faster when they had a process holding them together. Adele did alot of research and found that 21 days is the maximum amount of time that people can concentrate on anything before they ‘run out of steam’.

In most cases, the clients who choose to work with naked divorce are just fed up of being miserable or of being stuck and want to do something to break free from the constraints of the past. They love the fact that they focus for 21 days and then it’s all done.

In her own words, Adele says what her specific issues were that lead her to develop the naked divorce:

  • “I had no understanding of what I was going through and therapy/ counselling didn’t give me any power in taking charge of my own healing. I felt dependent on my therapist
  • The healing process didn’t feel transparent, it felt like the therapists I saw had the secret to healing and the only way I was going to find out the secret was to commit to seeing them on a weekly basis for 18 months.
  • I felt that there was no goal or focus to my healing. The focus was instead on me fitting in whatever I needed to say within 1 hour. We would talk and I would say how I felt and then I would go home. Although it felt good to talk to someone, I wanted a plan
  • My healing did not fit into the ‘let’s meet once a week for 1 hour’ structure. I required around-the-clock support with a phone call here, a text there, an email at 1am or a session with 1 day’s notice. I wanted a friend to walk with me through the process and not interact in a conventional way. Everything in my life was moving so fast that by the time my weekly session arrived, everything had changed and I spent the session catching my therapist up on my life versus actually making any real progress.

I decided that there had to be a better way for me and I created the naked divorce process to eliminate these issues for myself drawing on my change management and coaching background.

I never expected to share the process with anyone else or to find that the process works so effectively for others but over time and working with countless clients, I have found that like me, there are people who wanted to explore alternatives to therapy.”

Why do we achieve results within 21 days?

Time is an important factor in healing, but consider that telling people you ‘need lots of time’ is often an excuse to delay healing. It’s you telling yourself that a miracle is not possible for you.

The question is not how much time it takes to heal, but rather how you spend that time? All of us at naked divorce had to reach an understanding that it was only ourselves putting the brakes on our healing. 


There are three healing principles to follow to do the naked divorce programme.

Healing Principle Number 1: Focus with High Intention on your healing

Ever notice how when you focus on something with intention, it gets done quicker?

This is why classroom trainings over a few weeks are more effective than distance learning over 6 months. When you take your time, sometimes you focus on the subject and sometimes you don’t, ultimately getting the work done takes longer.

The naked divorce works because you bring all your focus and intention towards healing AND you do this consistently over a 21-day period.

Imagine dedicating 21 days of your life to your healing and the end results is that due to this investment of time, the majority of the agony and pain of healing is over?

It’s like popping a dislocated shoulder back into it’s socket; it hurts – but once done, you can heal properly.

Now we are not even saying you should take 21 days off work – it’s about dedicating 90 minutes each day plus weekends to focusing intensively on your healing.

FOCUSING with HIGH INTENTION on your healing is the first principle and philosophy behind our programme.

Healing Principle Number 2: Take Courageous Healing Steps Daily

Many people, fear the turbulent transition of divorce. They lose faith and they go back to the old way of life where they are avoiding the pain or finding a comfort zone in their healing.  

When we do that, when we run counter to our gut knowing that change must come, we have to rationalize our cowardice. “Better the devil you know,” we say, “than the devil you don’t know.” And so we cast out the world that might have been, the healing that might have been and remain stuck in old ways.

In Adele’s work with men and women in the area of change management and within mediations and divorce coaching, she noticed that some people seem to have an ability to accept the hurts and disappointments of life and move on. They are goal orientated and know that the future is where they’re headed, not the past. They take active steps in healing and keep taking action in a positive direction.

Others, however, seem to get stuck. They remain in the past and in their pain, as if those events had just happened, playing the “wait and see” game.

Interestingly, time played no factor in the one group moving on and the other group remaining stuck. It had to do with what they did within that time that made the difference. What kills healing is passivity over time. Passivity pretends to be our ally, but it is really our tormentor. The timid part of ourselves fails to realize that more solutions would be found if we participated actively in our healing. If we “wait and see”, healing becomes stuck.

Healing requires COURAGE. If you take healing steps daily, your healing will be faster than if you took those steps weekly or monthly. Miraculous healing happens in the presence of courageous action.

Healing Principle Number 3: Around-the-Clock Support

Healing does not happen linearly, with the right support appearing once a week. Healing at pace requires around-the-clock support so that whenever you need to call or contact your support person, you have someone who can assist you.

The naked divorce team is available to support you BUT you can do the programme without us, provided you have a naked divorce Buddy on hand (discussed within the programme).

If you are willing to embrace the healing principles above, your healing can get underway.

We will also support you to:-

  • Create a divorce cocoon around yourself. This cocoon helps you handle and withstand pressure so you can deal with your big emotions and your high performing lifestyle whilst you move through the divorce process
  • We have a process to help you deal with your emotional turmoil healthily and sustainably so you move through the grief stages faster
  • You will have a personal programme to follow, so you are always aware of what step comes next in your emotional healing
  • At any time if it feels too overwhelming, you slow down and take your time – so even if it takes you 37 or 42 days or 93 weeks – it doesn’t matter – you know what step is coming next and you are in charge

Passivity over time kills healing. Taking courageous steps with the right support brings miraculous healing alive. Run towards the pain, draw the strong emotions towards you and provided you have adequate support and a cocoon to encase you, the healing steps work!

©2001-2014 Luminous Limited trading as Naked Divorce, All Rights Reserved. "Naked Divorce", "Divorce Angel", "Perturbation", "Divorce Cocoon" are registered trademarks used by Luminous Limited. By entering, you agree to our terms and conditions. By entering your email address you are also requesting and agreeing to subscribe to our email newsletter. You must be 18 or older to enter. You can read our Privacy Policy. If you need to contact support, please go to the contact us link above.